Japan is a wonderful country that was responsible for a lot of great contributions to the world. Their history is amazing, full of stories of conquest, samurai, and so on. Their folklore has given us many different creatures and traditions. Their architecture is amazing. Their music is definitely not bad at all. Japanese cuisine is unbelievable. They gave us Super Mario Bros, arguably the most important game of all time. I could go on all day about all of the great things to come out of this country, but there are also some bad apples from the land of the rising sun. One of the saddest things to come out from the country is an entire niche of older men drooling over underaged chicks in literature, music, anime, and games. One of the main franchises dedicated to this specific, and lewd, demographic is Senran Kagura, and a new game from the series has just been released on the Japanese eShop: Shinobi Refle.

The main premise of Shinobi Refle is simple. You have the opportunity to court this girl named Asuka and, according to the game, massage her. Big emphasis on ACCORDING TO THE GAME. What the developers thinks “massaging” means is actually a three-step process of acting like a tremendous creep.

First of all, there’s the “touch the hands” phase. Maybe it was supposed to act like a hand massage? Well, all you need to do here is select an area of the girl’s hand and press ZR or ZL to touch it and “feel it”. Keep doing this for a while and you go to phase two, the one I like to call the demented phase.

In this phase, you can finally experience the game’s infamous “boob touching” physics, as you can freely grope your waifu’s knockers as you please, making them go up, down, left, right, in ways that defy both the laws of physics and the poor girl’s back. The developer has previously said that the game would feature a revolutionary usage of the joycon’s HD rumble to simulate the feeling of touching a breast as realistic as possible. I now wonder if the guy has ever touched one, because the only sensation I felt while doing so was the same rumble featured on a modern iPhone. You also can’t seriously try to emulate the feeling of touching a breast while holding an object so not-shaped like one; the joycons in this case. The biggest selling point of the game is a fraud, after all. In order to proceed to the next phase, you need to continuously touch your lady’s bosoms until she gets extremely excited, even though she looks really uncomfortable and moans in a very sufferable way, as if you were molesting her (I seriously think you do).

The final phase is the most nonsensical of all, as it’s a rhythm minigame, in which you need to constantly beat the girl’s leg in a certain pace to get her turned on. You use motion controls in this phase, with the joycons acting as drumsticks. The input lag in this part is very noticeable, by the way. Once you please her well enough, a cutscene is triggered in which you start rubbing her entire body until she climaxes. Yeah, in Senran Kagura‘s world, massaging an underage girl meant molesting her breasts like a maniac and beating her leg as if you were doing the drum solo to Led Zeppelin’s “Moby Dick.”

That’s the whole gameplay of Shinobi Refle for you. Once you finish “climaxing” your highschooler, a lot of text ensues (be sure to have a translating app next to you), and then you start everything all over again with a different outfit, most likely showing more of her polygonal body to you. I don’t even need to talk that much about how unbelievably wrong this game is, as all you do is act like a complete perverted freak with an underage girl and how depraving this is towards women: the biggest issue here is that, well, there’s not much “game” in this “game” in order to consider this “game” a real game. It’s a very repetitive cycle of reading a bunch of text, going through three phases of dumb perversion, watching her go “arigato senpai” with you and then do everything all over again, hopefully with an actual Hitachi vibrator this time around. By the way, did I mention that there is a lot of day-one DLC, some of them costing the same as the game? Isn’t that great?

Besides all this, the game isn’t exactly a work of art in technical terms. The visuals are, at the very best, passable, as all there is here to see is your little girl with abnormally-sized breasts, as well as half a dozen backgrounds, including her high school classroom, in order to increase your guilt while playing the game. The sound department is also, at the very best, average: the soundtrack is mediocre and repetitive, and while there is actually a lot of voice acting, there’s also a lot of high-pitched moaning, a very off-putting element of the game. I really hope there’s no one around when you decide to play this.

This is Shinobi Refle: Senran Kagura for you. Not quite a game, definitely not an enjoyable erotic experience either. It’s a dumb title with poor motion controls, awkward rumble effects and very little content.

There are easier and cheaper ways on the internet to look at more skin in less embarrassing ways, you don’t need a silly game like this one for that.