Hatoful Boyfriend is weird. I don’t think there’s any other way to start an article about this game than with this straight to the point sentence. I got the game not long ago during a Devolver Digital sale for little more than a dollar just to find out how weird this product actually was. It surpassed all my expectations. I will now tell you guys the story of my first hours with Hatoful Boyfriend.

After entering my girlie name (Beyonce McBooger, because why not), I was told I was the only human enrolled in a school for birds, and I was already in my second year in said school. So far, so good. I was greeted by some regular pigeon named Ryouta, a narcoleptic teacher (who’s a bird…) and a white dove or something like that who kept calling me a peasant, just like one of those “PC Master Race” kids you can find in bunches on the internet. Not long after that I was greeted by the arrogant dove’s brother, the “creeper” stereotype, a library loner (may I remind you again, a bird) and the school’s doctor, a totally creepy and totally obese bird. Knowing all of my potential bird-banging options, instead of choosing one avian loverboy to focus on, I decided to flirt with all of them, at once, in the same save file.

That didn’t work out as well as I thought. It’s not like the game didn’t give me opportunities to talk to my potential feathered friends with benefits, the problem was that the game didn’t allow me to be a completely flirtatious girlie. For example, take a look at the picture above you. The only reactions I was allowed to have were “ignore” and “complain”. The game didn’t let me even react with a fake innocent giggle!

Hey Japan, if you’re making a game about hooking up with beings with beaks, trying to make your character look innocent and prude should be the last thing you should care about!

The months went on, with me constantly attending music and maths classes, and for some reason, leveling up my wisdom and charisma stats during the process. Yeah, the game has these weird Persona-esque RPG elements, but I haven’t seen the reason for it to have them. I mean, I kept attending maths classes and improved my wisdom, but I still failed my midterm exams, with one of my babes, the narcoleptic teacher, saying I had disappointed him/it.

I had the opportunity to bond with my former friendzoned buddy Ryouta by helping him/it find a job and running with him/it in a three-legged race (don’t ask). And you know what I got in return? Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch. After all I’ve done for him/it, that bird didn’t even kiss/peck me on the cheek. What an ungrateful bastard, he/it just used me like an object.

I also kept on flirting with my teacher, until the point he decided to walk me home one evening. Ask me if I got some action. Of course not.

By the way, I live in a cave. I’m a human, with an iPhone 4S, who attends a school for gifted and talking birds, and I am the one who lives in a cave. Wow, just….wow.

My love life in that game was worse than my real love life. None of these birds were paying attention to me, and the game wasn’t giving me enough opportunities to get dirty with them. There was a moment in which the game asked me what my dream was, and I answered “to conquer the world by force”. Completely random, but damn I’d be lying if I said I didn’t laugh.

Finally, not long after I had started my second semester in that school year, I was suddenly ambushed by, and I quote, ninjas from the Hawk Party, who deemed me as a failed social experiment and decided to terminate me. Simple as that.

I was dead. The game killed me. The game freaking killed me for not being social enough with birds. Not to mention that my death screen was taken from the death screen of Shadowgate for the NES. If there’s something I have never thought I’d see in this supposedly innocent bird-banging simulator, it’s a death screen. Here lies Beyoncé McBooger: killed by ninjas.

I decided to quit after being murdered by those ninjas, but I gotta congratulate the game. Not only did I play way more of it than I thought I would, but also kudos for it for completely sucker punching me with said death penalty.

I still can’t find the words to properly describe my experience with Hatoful Boyfriend. It was, most likely, the most nonsensical game I have ever played in my brief existence on this planet. Despite this (or should I say, because of this), I can’t help but actually recommend this game for you, if you’re looking for a demented and hilarious game to play while most likely under the influence of something else.

I came for the stupid inter-species dating simulation, and stayed for the ninjas and flirtations feathered scholars.

And now here’s a picture of a pigeon dressed as a maid, because why not.

Reviewed on PC.
Also available on: PS4, PS Vita